Last night I dreamt about hugging cute boys. And playing Beatles Rock Band with them.
Many things are happening, and I am trying to manage them without losing my mind. I have a second appointment with my new therapist lined up. I will soon be calling in-network psychiatrists for my medicines. I’m really looking forward to talking with this new person about all the fucked up shit from my childhood (which I recently realized I don’t remember a whole hell of a lot of my childhood. Between five and fourteen is pretty sparse when it comes to vivid memories. Is this true for other people? I don’t know.)
I just want to talk all of it through, hear someone say, “Yeah, that was fucked up, that was not good, you were fucked over,” etc, and so forth, and then I want to be able to put a lid on that box and tuck it away in the attic. I want it to be something that I can pull out and show to people without it all being fresh and painful. Because I want to be with someone who can listen to my history, and accept it, and also say, “Wow, that was fucked up.” xb could never accept my past. He couldn’t accept a lot of things. He wanted a compartmentalized person, a creation that didn’t really exist. I need to be with someone who is capable of hearing about my past, and accepting it, and realizing that without it I would not be the person I am today, the good and the bad. Once I manage to get the bad under control (extreme mood swings, anxiety, irritation, depressive phases, etc), I will be a pretty consistently awesome person. But I need to be with someone who understands when the bad slips through, someone who will cut me some slack and forgive me when I lose control for a bit.
I have been listening to the entire back catalog of Dan Savage’s Lovecast, which has been immensely helpful when it comes to dealing with my feelings of anger regarding past relationships. It also makes me a little bit horny, hearing all those sexy tales. Plus, Dan has a pretty sexy voice, and he curses alot. I love me some profanity.
Work has been going well. The usual frustrations arise occasionally, but on the whole I’m happy and enjoying my work.
I’ve been going on dates. Many of them are meh.
I’ve been steadily working on finishing the many, many unfinished manuscripts I have. There are at least four novels and five or six plays that I need to just finish. The novels then need to be critiqued and proof-read. The plays need to be read by actors. Then… I can move forward with them. I want to have at least one novel and one play done by spring.
The money situation is improving. Slowly but surely. Slooooooooowly, though.
So that’s what’s going on now. How about you?
3 Comments
September 24, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I don’t know if you recognize me, but I’ve commented a couple of times before and been following your posts for awhile now.
That line, about “extreme mood swings, anxiety, irritation, depressive phases, etc”…sounds EXACTLY like me. I just got assigned a new therapist myself. Haven’t met him yet though. Having mixed feelings about talking with a GUY, being that I’m NOT one and all. And, I stopped my meds for awhile and am just now starting to take at least one of them again.
I’m interested in knowing what kind of medication you use. Also what your ‘diagnosis’ is, and most of all, some of the history that contributed to who, how and what you are now.
Just to be fair, I was diagnosed with mood disorder, PTSD, GAD, and of course generalized depression – I’m guessing because of a rather hateful/controlling/mentally and emotionally abusive childhood, and a terrorizing past relationship. I take Citalopram and Abilify.
Maybe you’ve answered all that before and I just haven’t been following long enough. But anyway, I enjoy your blogs. Keep on keepin’ on!!
September 24, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Hiya:
I’ve done my share of therapy and had quite a childhood myself, therefore, I believe that I can state that what you’re looking for a therapist to tell you ain’t gonna happen Iris. Any good ones will not make value judgments or give their opinions, they are going to ask you how you feel about it. That said, my past is so fucked-up that I actually had a psychiatrist tell me (flatly) that my mother was psychotic… She was.
That said, keep with it. You can get a lot out of therapy. Ultimately I had to be institutionalized but I won’t get into that. All I will say is that I never saw my file but I know that PTSD, and dual diagnosis was in there… But the addiction part of the “dual” was bullshit. That was my ex-wife’s own neuroses projected onto me and subsequently by medical professionals who ran with it… She didn’t mean to be a bitch she just is.
Keep dating and keep an open mind. Love is grand, but sometimes just being eaten like a big rich piece of chocolate cake is the best thing this World has to offer. Time will sort it all out, and I don’t mean months I mean years. But you’re going to emerge from your chrysalis as really something to behold Iris.
I know it.
September 27, 2009 at 9:52 am
Sly- thanks for reading, I do recognize your username. If you peruse the mental posts, it might answer some of your questions. I’ll also work on a retrospective– keep an eye out for that in the coming weeks.