I can’t focus today. It’s noon and I haven’t done a bit of work. Thank gawd I get to leave in half an hour for lunch, and then I get to go right to a meeting. That’ll kill time until 3, and I won’t really get back to the library until 3:30, and then there is only an hour and a half left in the day. It will be a long, slow, torturous hour and a half to be sure, but I’ve survived worse.
I’m sort of restless today. I actually called about an apartment this morning. It’s further north than I am now, and closer to j&t and the Bar, and it has radiators, a balcony, paid heat, and laundry. It’s only $450 to move in, but they do have a May 1st move-in date…which is cutting shit pretty close, but the more I think about it, the more I kind of really want my own place.
Which sort of brings me to my next point… I’d like my own place again for many reasons, but one of the top ones would be so I could have Seth over and not worry about bothering my okay-but-not-awesome roommate. Seth and I have been seeing each other quite often, and on Friday night after we got back to his place after seeing a concert, he told me, “During our first couple of dates, I was still seeing a couple of other girls, but I’m not seeing them anymore. I want to focus on you.” Which, of course, made me go all gooey inside.
I also have a strong desire to sort of start over. I don’t want to be in the apartment I shared with xb anymore. It’s sort of the last remnant of me holding on to us (what a weird sentence, but you get it). Xb emailed me yesterday, after a solid month or even two of no contact. He wrote, If you feel like talking, I wouldn’t mind talking about the new Dr. Who (which was AWESOME by the way). I didn’t reply, and in fact, my immediate thought was, No, thank you, fuck you, go talk to your new girlfriend about it, you fucker. Which, admittedly, is not the most mature or helpful response, which is why I am writing it here rather than in an email to him.
It’s not an ideal time to move, but I figure I will give it a go if the place looks good. I’d also probably leave a lot of shit behind, in the spirit of starting over (and since the apartment I am interested in is about 500 sq feet less than my current place). I’d probably leave the couch, my rug… aw, fuck, I’d have to get my horse-shoe coat rack taken out of the wall. Hell.
See what restlessness gets you?
Oh, but I still want it… I want to be free of so many memories and feelings. I want to be renewed this spring.
