</3
no whining.
no whining.
Dream Song 29: There sat down, once, a thing
There sat down, once, a thing on Henry’s heart
só heavy, if he had a hundred years
& more, & weeping, sleepless, in all them time
Henry could not make good.
Starts again always in Henry’s ears
the little cough somewhere, an odour, a chime.
And there is another thing he has in mind
like a grave Sienese face a thousand years
would fail to blur the still profiled reproach of. Ghastly,
with open eyes, he attends, blind.
All the bells say: too late. This is not for tears;
thinking.
But never did Henry, as he thought he did,
end anyone and hacks her body up
and hide the pieces, where they may be found.
He knows: he went over everyone, & nobody’s missing.
Often he reckons, in the dawn, them up.
Nobody is ever missing.
John Berryman
But. There is someone missing. My mother is missing and this thing that has sat on my heart is so heavy it feels like it’s crushing me. The only person who ever loved me no matter what is gone, and there is nothing that ties me to that town where I grew up any longer. There is more I could have told her, and so much more I could have asked her, so much more we both could have learned, and now I can’t. If I allow myself to start thinking about her for even one second the tears come, the sobs tear themselves out of my chest, despite the heavy thing, and it hurts so much; my eyes raw from the salty tears and my heart aches. I’m trying so hard not to whine but all I want to do is sob and be held by someone. When I sleep the nightmares come.
I feel like nowhere is home.
